Everything happens for a Reason

2010-06-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

I HAVE FINALLY SHIFTED! :D

KINKY IS A IMP

MWAH!

vintage highwaisted

2010-05-31T04:59:00.000-07:00

4 more papers to go ~~ D:

and i've just inherited an entire treasure trove of vintage highwaisted jeans from my mum :D

which she was keeping for " when i slim down " and

" my future daughter ".

my mum : hahaha now i can laugh at your papa cos he said you'd never wear any of my stuff cos it'll be outdated. proved him wrong! :D

inspirational

2010-05-30T03:07:00.001-07:00

Nana just showed me a really inspirational speech from Steve Job, thanks for sharing! (:

This video definitely hits home and the connecting the dots part is the one i like most,

because it's one of the thoughts i live by; that everything happens for a reason.

One day when i look back on all the good and bad in my life, i'm going to be happy they happened to bring me where i am, where i'm supposed to be.

It's the very same phrase that keeps me going now, each time i face a hiccup and the one that keeps me grounded with every good thing that happens.

get loose

2010-05-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

Just got back from supper with the dancers who attended the workshop and loose joint himself.
It was probably one of the most enriching dance classes i've ever attended, the techniques, the way he moved, the history of hiphop and most importantly the way of dance.

dance because you love it (: dance to be your best.
getdown in a bit, i just want to be my best.

Life's getting more interesting, and you know, the world needs more self awareness, lesser people who are too quick to bash and hmmmm to loosen up more. (no pun intended)
today was an awesome day :D

stiff

2010-05-26T04:33:00.000-07:00

Staring at the list i've got pasted infront of me. Big dreams. But i'll get there, i've let one too many slip past.

Today i had two cheese sandwiches, tons of orange clorets, half a mango, and a mouthful of noodles. Food no longer interests me, i just eat to live. Maybe it's cos i've stopped baking and cooking that i'm so unaware of what i put into my mouth now. I haven't had a craving in a bit, which is abnormal.

I've been downing tons of pills though, glucosamine, multivitamins, cod liver pills, omega pills. i feel like one of those health junkies now. but i guess it's all been helping~ i havent had a severe migraine in quite a bit, i havent seen my doctor in ages and i've been able to wake up in mornings.

yea, pointless post i just had some stuff to unload. Feeling pretty stiffened now.
right, time for bpharm.

simple

2010-05-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

There's a mountain of stress, tests, goals just piling up but just sitting on my bed and looking around at my messy room, I'm happy.

Genuinely happy and thankful. It's been a long, long way and it's been a long time since i last felt this kind of happiness. It's inexplicable, but it's wonderful.

Home is where the heart is :')

Sweet dreams world.

abuse

2010-05-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

"I remember hearing my own heartbeat as I rose out of bed and stood in the shower. The water was not hot, but lukewarm. I had not been able to take a hot shower for months. The heat from the water made me ill and lately, that's all that I ever felt: ill. My stomach was constantly upset, I slept about 10 hours a night and took several naps throughout the day. I either ate huge portions of food or none at all. I woke every morning, anticipating that I would feel better. I had been in and out of the doctor's office for months and my doctor could not figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't figure out what was causing my illnesses either, but with him by side, everything would be fine... Right?

Showers never eased the pain in my fatigued muscles. Probably because I could never take one in peace... *Bing!* .. "Oh lord," I thought to myself. "is that my phone? Again? What does he want now?" this was a frequent thought throughout my daily, morning routine. I would always step out of the shower to answer my phone, despite my being reluctant to do so. The water from my long, black hair would always drip right on to the screen of my cellphone. I secretly wished that the phone would break from water damage, because that would offer me some liberty... Right?

I always felt so silly standing in a lukewarm shower, responding to his text or e-mail. But I felt compelled to do so anyway and despite numerous attempts to ignore his message(s), the guilt always became too much for me to bear. "If I don't respond, he will just text me again and he will accuse me of not caring." Those were usually my thoughts when I contemplated just not picking up my phone. Stupid cellphone. He communicated with me via. every outlet; facebook, e-mail, text messages, phone calls. He used every outlet, every day without fail. It was exhausting. But he was amazing... Right?

"You're lucky you found me," that is one of the first things that he said to me after we had been together for a few days. Back then, I did feel lucky. He paid attention to me. He cared about me. He asked me about my day and about my feelings. He made me laugh and he gave me the best hugs that I had ever felt. His scent was sweet and mysterious.. His hands were large and despite their calluses, they used to trace secret messages across my back so perfectly. It was a trick.. Soon, I found myself at the mercy of his mouth, his temper and his desires. His words became my command, his mood became my own, his happiness was more important than mine, his desires became my wants and his needs were all that I cared about. I found myself anxious. I found myself walking on eggshells, constantly aiming to please him. "This is not me... What am I doing?" this thought was frequent too. But I didn't have time to worry. I had to work harder because if I worked harder he would finally realize that I was a good girl that would never cheat on him, as his previous girlfriend had. He would accept me then.

"Why do you wear heels? You know that I hate when you're taller than me. I won't go out with you in public if you wear those. Take them off and put on some flat shoes," I laughed. He said the same thing every time I put on a heel. Laugh. That's all that I could do. His insecurities were humorous to me and at the time, kind of flattering. He always questioned me about everything. Everything was a question and he had the answer; the right answer. We would get into arguments and my feelings would quickly be dismissed because "I misunderstood" something that he said. Or I was "immature" and therefore upset by his actions or comments. He never yelled at me. That was a trick... A trick that made me believe that he was a decent man. He never hit me or yelled at me.

If he got mad at me, he would just stop speaking to me. I felt pathetic as I would beg for his forgiveness - the phone calls, text messages and dedication of songs were never enough. I was non-existent to him for several hours. But I deserved it. I made him mad. The silent treatment was my punishment... Just as I felt compelled to answer his messages in the shower, I felt compelled to beg him for his forgiveness. I felt the urge, the lust for forgiveness. I could not stand the thought of him being angry at me. He was my daily life, my world. And I was his... Right?

Soon, I stopped wearing heels altogether. I stopped wearing dresses too. My usually fancy, fashionable wardrobe was replaced with fake ugg boots and sweatpants - a wardrobe that he approved of. I started lying to him about my workouts just so he would stop talking down to me about my "lack of activities." but the gym was not the same without my (former) best friend, who I used to work out with. I couldn't go the gym without her! But he had informed me that she was a "shitty" friend and to stop talking to her. So I did... But nothing was good enough. I began lying about where I was and what I was doing, just because I feared making him angry. He couldn't know that I had male friends because he would just accuse me of trying to make him jealous. All of my friends (girlfriends included) were "idiots, immature and not worth his company" according to him. He was right, I really did have some lousy friends. Or so I thought... My family was "crazy" he said. This was his reasoning for refusing to meet any of my family members despite the fact that I had met every single member of his. He said that he seriously considered not seeing me anymore because of my family. He called these thoughts "red flags." And according to him, there were "many red flags." these red flags made me anxious.. "Oh my God, I can't raise anymore flags... He'll dump me." these thoughts kept me so scared...

My illnesses all but disappeared. Attending class became a daily struggle. My muscles hurt, my mind hurt. I was glued to my cell phone, at all times. I even began texting while in class just so he wouldn't accuse me of not caring. My grades slipped, my relationships suffered. I began isolating myself because my time was simply dedicated to him. I couldn't see any of this, at the time, of course and reflecting on it now, I still can not fully understand how I allowed for all of it to take place...

He made me laugh. He offered me so much. He was fun, handsome, caring. His family was wonderful. This is truly what I believed while I was with him and on the rare occasion that I thought differently, he made sure to remind me of what he had to "offer me" and how "lucky" I was. I had to support him and I had to admire him. I made sure I laughed when we talked, smiled when we were silent and despite the fact that my desperate attempts at pleasing him were taking over my entire life, I felt as though it was worth it. But it was all an illusion..

"He's abusing you, Kaitee." I was paralyzed in bed, when a friend of mine told me this. My friend is highly educated and one of the most intelligent people that I know. I felt disgusted. That was the first feeling that I had felt in days... Our relationship had finally ended. It had ended before, but I really thought that it was over this time. I had finally decided to let go simply because I could no longer entertain the thought of pleasing him. I was suffering. I was completely distraught and now this? How dare this woman sit at the foot of my bed and tell me that the man that I care for so deeply, is abusing me? I thought to myself, "but he didn't hit me... Is she stupid!? He is not abusive." my friend handed me a printout. On this printout was a wheel and in this wheel were the characteristics of an abusive partner. The following characteristics were included:

-The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
-It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
-But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
-You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
-Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
-The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
-The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

I had enough of that list and threw it back at her. *Bing!* it was him again, I smiled. "He needs me," I thought. Much to the dismay of my friend, I answered. I talked to him for the rest of the day.

The following day, my friend returned with the list. I looked at it again and I thought that I might faint. I felt my heart beat again and my stomach grew uneasy... "How could I not have seen this? He does ALL of this and more!" I sobbed and I only left my bed to go to the restroom for the remainder of the week. I cut all contact with him that day and I have not spoken to him since.

I am no longer ill. I can take the hottest showers, my stomach is fine. I can sleep and I no longer feel fatigued. I suspect that the stress from constantly worrying about him caused my immune system to shut down. After I got over the initial shock of realizing the abuse, I stopped feeling ill. I have recovered physically, however, I have not recovered mentally. I now suffer from extreme insecurities. I am no longer a confident person and I suspect that is why I have my days where I miss him and sometimes I even wonder if he was indeed abusive. But most days, I wake up and I feel liberated. I feel free. He took a lot from me. More than I could have ever imagined. But a lot of my girlfriends have been supportive. And surprisingly enough, a majority of them have survived this type of abusive themselves.

I used to think that I was above abuse. I am 5'10'' tall. I have lived all over the world. I am a former model, I have been on TV, I have friends who are celebrities. I am intelligent, powerful and strong. No man was ever going to make me feel lesser or tell me how to feel, what to wear and who to hang out with. I was above abuse. And I would never be weak enough to put up with that type of behavior... Or so I thought.

This situation humbled me and it has shaken me to my core. I lost friends, grades and almost my very life to this man. I am currently rebuilding the life that I lost and I realized that a man does not need to hit you in order to be abusive towards you. I am telling my story on here because had I known about Emotional Abuse, I might have been able to avoid it myself. I am determined to fight back. This is just the beginning.. " "

- Le love

Sometimes people dont realise they're in an abusive relationship because the signs are so subtle. No hitting, no yelling, sometimes, not even upfront putting down. But the constant subtle yet emotionally abusive actions from the other party sends your life upside down. Sometimes, the person doing all that doesn't even realise how much they're wrecking your life. The sad part is how you only realise it's all done, so much later ... and so much of your life and chances have been wasted.

But, only you can save yourself.
and never forget those who stayed with you.

boy gaga

2010-05-23T02:01:00.000-07:00

I saw this video on Greyson Chance performing Lady gaga's cover of PAPARAZZI in some church talent show and was just blown away by this voice. This video's on him appearing in Ellen Degeneres' talk show and wow wow wow wow wow. Watching him just makes me think.... why are girls crazy about justin bieber instead?

and i just drafted out a monthly expenditure to cover everything and zomg hahahahaha i nearly lol-ed looking at it. Maybe it's cos i calculated everything to the maximum.... D: covers everything from transport to dance to phone bill to food. must earn to support myself comfortably!

kay off to do tutorial.

disclaimer: rant/self soothe alert

2010-05-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Yet another week gone by..like that. The year's been passing a little too fast huh? It's like suddenly it's half a year gone, few more months and i'm out of school. Glad to be out of it, yet sometimes the unpredictability scares the fuck out off me. I never imagined myself to be flagging a 10k pay but i never quite put myself near a low range pay either. With uni out of my mind at least not in the next few years, I'm really really just testing the waters. And i really do not want to fail, the thought of failing in any sense irks me. Been failing too much of late, at least in my own standards, and i need to break that streak.

Anyway i've had something , this little prick nagging at the back of my head for a long time and i just had to let it out today ( Since it's a rant/selfsoothe/thoughtvomit post, i might as well just do it all at one shot ).

That little prick is well, just people who cant keep their mouths shut when they're supposed to. I dont mean people who shoot their mouths off at the wrong moments or use the wrong words, tact needs to be honed sometimes. It's the people who mess around with your trust by saying things they know they shouldn't. When someone confides in you, problems or secrets, they trust you. And repaying that trust by telling someone else the contents with a " it's just between you and me" , is not okay. I've been a victim of such incidences and finding out the truth sends an immediate WTF throbbing through every vein, either that or I've seen it happen to someone else. No particular incident to spark that thought, it's just recurrent. I wished people would see that trust isn't something to be lightly played around with.

Tonight's one of those nights whereby i'm so overwhelmed by thoughts that i wished my physical surroundings compensated for my mental clutter. Been thinking about how wonderful it would be to just return to a nice nearly empty house... white wash walls, beachfront view, white chiffon curtains, lovely breeze, my 6 cats, huge bed with fluffy pillows, a nice porcelain bathtub and of course, the company of yobo. It's one of those vexing moments when you only want the company of people who get you in entity or just soothe you. My cats and yobo definitely do it. Nobody gets me like you do, and for that i cant feel anymore lucky that each day i wake up knowing that i have you.

Rant moment passed and i no longer feel as angsty. Vexed, yes, but feeling better and i lost my train of thoughts. Right, back to some literal organising.

busy

2010-05-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

Been crazy busy- school, session, kohlandrouge and an upcoming project :D. Sometimes i feel like i'm about to burst at the seams. And when i give myself time to take a breather, my brain's still thinking about something else. Some unfinished task, some idea manifesting in my head. Feels like work overload for the brain.

Sessions have been daunting. nobody gets my problem, i think it's out-of-the-world for most. Like who the hell hears only one layer of music?! But huge thanks to rahim, keiths and yobo for trying to help me. It's weird i guess, i dont try to take in all the beats.. it just happens. It's way way way way harder for me to listen to one single layer than to take in everything D: it's kinda depressing, okay more like very. I tried differentiating all the layers while listening to songs today, it was bloody difficult and draining. Makes me so envious watching others who can play around with the layers so easily... okay i must not give up!

The progress for the manufactured piece is going well (: the fabrics and colours and dimensions are all done. Now i'm left with the tag, the deposit and i'm all done! And a one month wait and zomg i'm gonna keep each colour for myself :D

Get Down next week, then term tests and squeezing in sessions and studying and projects and TheProject and kohlandrouge. whooa~then once holiday starts it's a full dive in on everything else :D

Honestly, i look back on my life now and really just get quite taken aback at how things are like. As much as my future is unpredictable, it is just as well alluring. It's a huge contrast to my ramrod straight perception of a life in the past. I'm no longer following the standard steps blindly but actually paving my own way for something else. If i reach my goals, i do it well. But if i dont, it's going to be one hard fall. That said, bring it on, only time can tell what would be in for me.

kay. pic spam!

These were at the zoo (: okay more to come!

Previous sessions! (:

AND JADE'S DANCE CONCERT!

2010-05-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Today i thought i was late for school then i realised my clock was half an hour faster and i started to do everything slowly so that i'll reach school right on time. I mean half an hour does seem like alot doesn it? So i strolled and the most lepak pace ever... and when i was nearing school, i realised i forgot my labcaot tmd. So i made a crazy dash home to grab it. Either way i would have been a dead duck. Jomer would have death stared me if i was without it, dr chooi would death stare me if i were late. And i was wearing a knitted pullover, it was 12 pm, i was caryring a gigantic bag and wearing loafers. Not a good combi for a sprint. And i almost fell down the stair and sprained my ankle but i was on time. phew.

Then during tutorial doctor oh told me he didn't receive my tutorial. I felt like dying. It's graded, i cracked my brain thinking of what to write just so i could score as much as possible. And i might have to redo now, because i doubt he's that careless to not notice my paper so that means i probably put bit in the wrong pigeon hole. Shit. It's like sometime you do something well and you know the second time would never be that good again. UGH.

And yesterday yobo and i had the most telepathic moment by far. Even far far more than whatever we had when we were still b1 and b2 and twins with alot in common. So we're about to cross the road and i'm having "She will be loved" going on in my head, and like a couple of secs after it starts in my head. YOBO SINGS IT OUT LOUD IN THE EXACT SAME VERSE AS WHERE I WAS. O.O YEA I KNOW O.O O.O O.O. i was like OMGGGGGGGG !

Yea uh huh.
Do you think you're thinking what i'm thinking b1?
I think i'm thinking what you're thinking b2.
Definitely, mwah love you fat boy.

2010-05-12T19:32:00.001-07:00

Had husbandry with nina and ryan yesterday and it was super fun even though we were messing up everything at first. 3 months of my life would be spent like this every day, not too bad i guess! I've been liking school more, the subjects, the environment and the only reason i dread going to school is just because i want to sleep more.

Dance has been .. bad. The music just becomes one layer when i get excited, then i end up doing shit. Need to relaaaaax and listen. Relax and listen relax and listen. Yea but i'm damn hyped up about sessions and there's reggae later!

Blogshop stagnant. *slaps self* I just want it to be perfect on the launch but everything's not how i want it to be yet. But i have an entire list of things planned out and i am excited :D :D :D :D :D

FATBOY JUST GOT A JOB! Probably the most unexpected job i would have thought of him getting. You know like 22-year-old-handsome-hyper-beatboxing-dancing-fatty and bus captain controller just... do not go together. Yea but free bus rides to my house whooohoo! And 9 days of off in a month is pretty awesome.

This cat from haji that we were disturbing and sayang-ing which also constantly gave off the fuck-off-i-want-to-sleep vibe. But it is crazy adorable, even with the killer vibe and stare, it was sweet tempered enough not to maul us.

Fatty eating taiwanese fried chicken. Nice. Diet always starts tomorrow.
And my name cards for kohlandrouge!!!!!!!!!! mega happy with them, they're exactly how i want them to be (: And $48 for 3 double sided packs done in an hour is really quite a good deal even though i wouldnt say the quality's the best. But.. good enough!

2 picstures from the bad flea, hope the next one would be better! But it's airconditioned and i got comfy seats but bad location, it's like few people walk up the platform to see the stalls so yea ): balls. it's at Club Seven at Illuma by the way.

At SD before reggae starts with docorc in the background. Yep i have a center parting nowzxzx ( yea i can hear all the hahahahaha-ing). Hair is just growing ~ and fringe looks weird side so center's been the best. Still not intending to cut my hair soon though, i wanted to try something shorter and more layered but growing out my hair for another 2 years is like ..NAH. So yea, i'll be chanelling my cash to more important things until my hair starts having a life of it's own.

Right, note packing and lab. I hate bringing the labcoat to school. Labcoat + jacket + dance wear = bloody heavy bag. k bye.

2010-05-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

jade lee xinyi. i miss you.
goh min yu. i miss you.
yeo jia hui jonas. i miss you.
brian cheok zhiming. i miss you.
fat boy, you know i always do.

okay that was random but yea i miss the above a lot. A whole lot.

Anyway, FLEA TODAY WAS BAD): Was really looking forward to tons of sales because well, i trust FMI and their fleas. But it sucked. Slow traffic and even worse location within the place D: Guess it's all about mother's day and it's sunday.. people just wanna curl up in a ball on their beds to wait for monday. And hearing that yesterday's flea was WAY better made me feel like. shiiit why dint i take it. But well, more fleas to come! I'm not giving up.

And i kinda dislike my voice.

2010-05-07T18:01:00.001-07:00

9 in the morning of a lovely saturday after a well spent friday recuperating and all. Lovely until someone decided that it is okay to just lump every kind of setback and slowdown imaginable to a relationship. When things aren't proceeding as fast paced as successful as the outside world deems fit, there's only one person to blame. It's just not alright to pull it all together to point fingers at someone else. A choice made is a choice.

And really? What do you know? What have you seen? Do you realise the state of things?
No, no and no.
And i will prove you wrong.

LOVE SHOTS

2010-05-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

Just for those who love couple photography, looking at pictures to do with love, enticed by lelove and all.
I just found treasure!

OH DEAR PHOTOGRAPHY!

i cant wait to upgrade from something like this....

To something like all those photos! :D

2010-05-06T11:51:00.001-07:00

save yourself.

2010-05-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty bad day I'd say.

First of all i overslept and missed my BPharm lecture. Since i feel like BPharm is a little like mgen/mbio whereby you miss lectures and not fill your notes with scribblings means you wont understand shit= alot of catching up.

And then when i'm done and ready to head out with time enough for me to reach school on time.. I have to hunt for my labcoat. Which is terribly frustrating because my house is well.. my house. I have not laid a finger on my labcoat since last week and i remember very clearly where i last left it. Since everyone denies having any form of interaction with it, i presume my labcoat grew legs and ran away.

I came to school flustered and late. fuck that labcoat with legs.

During practical we had to stick metal rods ( i forgot what they were called ) down the throats of the lab rats. It's a scientific practice but i find it inhumane, just an opinion. I don't know, it just feels like there should be something less traumatising than this method, for the rats i mean. Hearing them squeak and seeing them struggle and gag just made me go weak-kneed and i felt like crying. I am very obviously a pussy when it comes to causing animals any form of discomfort, scientific purposes or not. It's like the ultimate most horrible deep throating ever. I would never allow anyone with the intention of sticking a metal rod down my throat come within a 10 foot radius of me.

And lastly was reggae, i had so many thoughts spiralling around in my head just now. But now it's just a plain .. I am not okay. I'm not even comparing myself to anyone, I'm just staring at myself, beig aware of my body and realising all the flaws. Of course i'm going to continue training and even harder, but it's just pretty demoralizing when you realise you don't get it. When you learn steps slow, when you lose focus so easily, when music sense isn't second nature to you and it feels foreign... help? Because this time round I'm really stuck.

2010-05-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

Had one of the best sessions ever in RP which left me drained. Man i got tired so quickly. Plus I'm kinda mopey about my dance now, it's STUCK. I know what's wrong but i don't know how to get past it, it's always the same advice , i need some sort of revelation. It's always been feel feel feel for me even way back and music is really one big blur to me. So many details in a song, yet i can only see it as a whole, all the nitty gritty details just smudged over... I need to understand music. Fast.

Tuesday Yobo and i got our Pentax in red. The camera makes it look really toy-like but i like it. Big mad thanks to the brother who came to my rescue with the bucks :D but had an awkward conversation with the fat boy. There's a lot to learn and i'm hyped about it (: Can't wait to master using the pentax.

Collected stocks and i wish i could keep every single piece. So i'm excited for the launch after the first batch ( photos taken by TBS waaaay back ) :D *cross my fingers* First manufactured piece still needs about a month or sooo, i wish it'll hurry up!

and our couple rings which we wear on our thumbs (:

and a picture from joey's birthday at Alps Cafe. It feels weird to be back there, and having some memory playbacks. Tried alot of new drinks that night with Bacardi 151 taking the title of the bomb. alright sleep time.

work

2010-05-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't worked a proper job in quite a bit, it's just been my blogshop for the past one over year? Even so, that was pretty erratic. So now that I'm on a revival with the shop, I'm just trying to earn/save as much money so that i can do a good one. Not crazy penniless but all my cash already has somewhere to go to and i need that sense of security from money.

Benji needed someone for a stand in and i jumped at the chance! It's at tampines one very very short working hours, pay's good ( i love events jobs) so for about 5-6 hours of work i got $60 which is awesome! But they are currently gonna be chanelled to namecards/boards/clothes rack for the upcoming flea sooo yea... nothing for me.

Apart from freezing my butt off, getting snubbed by annoying kids i'd say it's pretty great.
All that i had to do was to walk up to strangers and getting them to try the free face/body painting, when you say it's FREE. Their "er no thanks" immediately changes.

Last day of work, tada!

This too shall pass

2010-05-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Initially i planned on getting " everything happens for a reason, this too shall pass" for my second ink. But found it a wee bit too pessimistic because i viewed the second line in a one way. Like, oh shit happens, it'll pass anyway-kinda way. Then last week i read an interview with Mitch Albom, the author of Tuesdays with Morrie, which totally changed the way i viewed it.

here goes:

" The king gave a jewelery-maker 3 days to make him a ring that would in his down time , remind him that there is goodness to come and that he'll tide it through; and in his moments of joy, remind him of the pain and suffering of the commonfolk. The maker thought for days and finally at the end of the 3 days, he made a ring that had neither gems or fancy jewels. It was a simple gold band and engraved on it were the simple words " this too shall pass" . "

I have a rekindled love for that entire phrase again (:

Need somewhere to breathe

2010-04-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

These are the nights when i hate my house. Yes just the house, this stupid shell. I wished i had airconditioning on the warm nights, a water heater for the cold nights, a clean neat house for one in this state is so difficult to undo, and my own room. So that i could have my privacy and peace of mind that when i come back home i have a little space i can retreat to to have a little comfort. This lack of personal space is going to drive me up the wall sooner or later.

mask

2010-04-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Last week, i got free masks from some magazine coupon and decided to treat the fat boy to a facial!

And i got my weekly supply of lollipops from the fatty to keep me company and they've been my companions on the many long bus rides. My eternal contracted lollipop supplier :D

Reggae class was great (: It's been my first 2 after months and the more i do it the more the feel's all coming back. i cant wait for all the many dance events to pop up the many sessions to come, it just makes me so excited. And a talk yesterday , made me realise that being a victim of the double edged sword isn't all that bad is it? It can be the most tiring, confusing and frustrating experience but that's what makes our life , or our hearts in fact,...better. I read something today and all i can say is , I'm glad you went through it (:

It's been quite a weird one hour before bedtime, reading certain things and thinking of certain stuff. Weird alright, but it's all good, it's all good.

revamp

2010-04-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

In the bid of finding my portfolio, i have started on a mass packing up spree. Staring at my house now, uh huh this is one huge ass of a feat. And i found treasure :D

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THIS.
HAHHAHAHAA. god i was such an ugly teenager, everything about me then was just wrong wrong wrong. And back then i had no one to guide me like, okay when you have pimples you do this, when your hair gets dry do that yadayada... so i turned out like that.

Definitely a huge change. Not that i feel that i look awesome now, but it's definitely way better than that. And i'm slowly loving how i look more each day, i wont say like because if i could i would change so many things but love because they're what i have (:

Thank god i'm pass that phase. Thank god my pimples cleared up. Thank god i discovered conditioner. Thank god my hair is less dry. Thank god i no longer have that hair style. Thank god i discovered the right specs. Thank god i made friends with eyeliner. Thank god i've learnt to trim my eyebrows. Thank god my eating disorder is gone. Thank god i found contacts. Thank god i have dumped out shirts and boardshorts. Thank god i learnt about fashion. Thank god i became vain. Thank god i love myself more now.

night safari

2010-04-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

Plans for zoo were stashed because it was a little too late. Fell down the stairs smack on my knees because i was replying an sms. Bought food from AMK hub just so we wouldnt spend a crazy amount at the night safari. Yobo's treat because i am broke D: 6 mosquito patches for the both of us in that one trip. Awesome B&J ice cream. $9.90 jumbo hotdog. Responsive otters. Not so responsive other animals. No flash photography. Cute animals. Extremely cute flying squirrels. Tram ride with noisy people. Good weather. Good workout. Blurry photos. Stupid photos. Nonsense and more nonsense. Reading map. Missed animal show. Disturb disturb. Comforting talk. Little raging flame of gogogogogo. Plans. Awesome day!

2010-04-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

The weekend disappeared again and it was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. The pace of certain things are picking up and others just need to be picked up, struggling a wee bit but i know it'll all be fine as long as i keep at it.

These days i wake up with a terrible memory of things that have happened, like for say...It's wednesday, and to recall events of tuesday/monday can sometimes be quite blurry. Scares the shit out of me at times when it happens, i mean the time lapse is sooo small and yet that lapse in memory is huge. Definitely updating this space as frequently as possible and with whatever pictures of the day, for memory sake. Since it's very-in-my-face how pathetic my memory is.

Highlights of the day were NIGHT SAFARIIIII :D (THANK YOU FATTY <3) and a small boy in the bus. So i sit infront of this kid and his mum in the bus, and it's seriously pouring outside. You know like how on rainy days when vehicles drive close to the side of the road and annoyingly splashes water all over the sidewalk? The bus was making freaking tsunamis. Like even if you were right at the other end of the sidewalk you'd still get drenched. It continued for like a 10 min ride and all throughout the small boy was just excitedly going " WEEEEE I LIKE WATER! I LIKE THIS! MORE MORE! ", which i found extremely cute and i dont usually find kids cute.

Photos from regina's party, mmhmm the RESPECT shirt is the sex. Though it's unsurprisingly missing somewhere in my house, must.find.it.soon.
Ty,yobo and i are visibly baked, this was just after R16.

And some photos from a photoshoot pretty long ago ( hence the round-but-not-as-round-as-now face) that i forgot about until i wore the same outfit yesterday, still some photos lurking about somewhere i'll post the rest some other time. Posing with an umbrella can seriously be very amusing.

AND ZOMG JACKY LAM OF FAT HAS JUST REPAIRED KOHLANDROUGE'S SITE! ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG! MWAH MWAH MWWAAAAAHHHHH THANK YOU FATTY I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU ! Haha but okay it's not done yet, like the proper thing, be preapred for some nonsense on all tabs when you visit <3<3<3<3<3<3

2010-04-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

" whenever you are intimate with someone, you give away a little piece of your heart."

Awesome blog recommended, albeit not for everyone.
Fyeahsex
enjoy the read!

2010-04-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

bipolar?

2010-04-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

Tried this colorgenics thing, and to quite a large extent, it holds true. Which is amazing , partially freakish and intriguing since all it involved was clicking coloured cubes one by one. And honestly, i just went in order of my favourite colours. I have no idea if that's what you're supposed to do cos it's meant to predict stuff, and my favourite colours havent changed one bit for a very long time.......

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.

You are on tenterhooks and appear to be extremely nervous and upset. You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

- http://colorgenicstest.com/

2010-04-22T12:42:00.001-07:00

ache.

2010-04-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

Things not going too well at the moment, instead of just filing the report and everything being done and taken care off. We can only wait... again. Was stuck on a wild goosecase for 7 hours with the rest of the owners yesterday, from the police cantonment to the subordinate court to the small claims tribunal = missed csas makeup and APEL = need to see Dr Chooi tomorrow = shit.

Insomia when i'm supposed to be sleeping = not enough proper rest + sleeping when i'm not supposed to = migraine hello.

Going out for reggae soon, i hope next week would be better. And i will not give up until i get every single cent back from that asshole.

2010-04-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

Edited the skin ! Black was getting a bit too gloomy for me and it was quite a well mark during those emotional days but since I'm so much more smiles now, i thought i'd do with a change. I guess it's just me to like pairing any part of change in me with a more tangible change.

Schools been okay, but all my stuff are still everywhere D: Got.to.get.it.done.by.this.weekend.
okay busy day later on, it's 6 in the morning. Gotta be up early, head down to cantonment PS to file a report with the other owners, freaking ahole's gone into hiding. Then rush back to school for csas and lecture and then down to town again to haji to stock up. I wish i could teleport.

Still in the midst of fixing kohlandrouge's site D: it's draining me out major, i think i'd have to make a fill in till a web expert comes along. Not totally digging the current banner much, but i've other pressing stuff so till then. This shall do.

the start of something new

2010-04-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

18 april 10.47pm. School officially starts tomorrow and i am home right now, having just missed one of the biggest dance competitions of the year D: thinking that i could have some quality time in quantity with the fam. Instead i ended up with quantity time lacking even an ounce of quality. Semi-psycho-ing myself that it's all worth it because it's never good to stay out late the day before a school day which is kinda bull since my class starts at 1pm but yeeea.

Cliche.. but good times always past fast. One an a half months gone, just like that. But this holiday was good, wasn't as crazy and productive as i wanted it to be but it was still nothing short of awesome. I only have one regret this holidays which will continue to haunt me for the next one year, six months if i'm lucky. Till then, all i can do is suck thumb.

And nope i haven't gotten back my money and will have to miss lecture on wed morning to head down with the rest of the blogshop owners to make a report, seriously i'm now at the stage of... uh huh.. okay what's next already. The rage has died down and i'm just drained from thinking about it. But yea i still wish awful karma upon that fellow. Site still ..... D: Alvingoh couldnt even help me, it's is quite a downer. fight on fight on fight on.

The start of school for me means mugging+ hardcore dance trainings+ kohlandrouge coupled with yobo's work at porter+ bigboythang+ imperior = quarter-ed time. And as much as i sound like a needy girlfriend, i'm going to need a lot of time getting used to and the 1 hour journey to each other's house doesn't help. meh. I am going to miss my fat boy alot.

polaroids + lousy scanner and i end up with polaroids that don't look like polaroids.

BigBoyThang's first flea, and an upcoming one for both of us at ILUMA. Excited. i miss doing fleas :D

marina barrage+ science centre+ our 2 monthsary at the staircase

random night out a looong time ago. my face is quite literally a big O, it's okay 2 months i will get my cutting starting tmr FAT BOY YOU WATCH OUT.

on the edge of perpetual

2010-04-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

When i was a kid, i used to be this cocky little prick who thought the world of herself.
I could use with a little of that now.
Nice song by the way.

koreans

2010-04-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

So the koreans have gone back ): man i miss them already. I am super determined to save money and go over to korea with yobo and the rest for R16 and krump session. Speaking of which i have not learnt krump yet, hello jacky lam hello? WHEN ARE YOU TEACHING ME??? Hopefully the plans for the trip would come true *cross fingers* It'll be a real eye opener for me. Will definitely douse myself in dance when i go over.

Pictures from djsmoke, us messing around with the webcam at mg like 2 hours before they need to leave for the airport.

Liz and i. She's damn cute.

ty + yobo

khan, mulder, jun's hand, moon's distorted head ,yobo,ty

jun + yobo

LOL @ moon

khan + yobo

khan +moon

okay time to go plan certain finance stuff D:
long day of dance ahead!
KOREA HERE I COME

tick tock

2010-04-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

6 more days to the reopening of school D:
The thought is pretty depressing , but it also means i'm one step closer to graduating and finally having the time to go about and think it through where my calling's gonna be. Yea, i haven't quite had an idea and currently the years ahead are just a blur. It's like going-adulthood crisis man, treading the thin line of happiness and not being a bum. But i'm going to take it slow and thorough this time around, the rushing into vet tech one was a good lesson learnt.

Everywhere around i see my friends my classmates moving up, going to university, going to the next level of working with animals, plans to go overseas and all...
and here i am stuck.
With a want in my head, but it's all in the baby steps now.
Okay it's not even concretely conceived ._.
it's soooo untangible at the moment, but i'll slowly work towards it.
It's the definitely the road less taken and a total risk,
but i rather this than a life of a 9-5 unfufilling job.
Hang in there, Audrey.

As for the case of my money.
THAT LAUNDERING FUCKER HAS MIA-ED.
REFUSES TO REPLY ANY EMAILS, TAKE ANY CALLS, ANSWER ANY SMS.
AND YOU KNOW WHO'S CONTACTABLE AT THE MOMENT?
HIS DAD.
HIS POOR DAD HAS TO STEP OUT LIASE WITH THE VICTIMS, CLEAR THE SHIT FOR HIM, ASK FOR OUR UNDERSTANDING AND ALL.
IF YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG, PLEASE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT AND CLEAR UP YOUR OWN MESS.
NOT PUSH EVERYTHING TO YOUR FATHER TO HANDLE.

This whole thing has been getting me worried day and night even though i dont say it much anymore, but it's been bugging me and awful lot. 1.7k of hard earned money missing and i dont even know the fate of it. Everything has had to be stalled cos of my lack of cash D:
ugh okay get going get going. gotta stop letting this set me back.

Gotta head out now, last day of having the koreans with us and they're flying off at midnight.

R16

2010-04-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Was at the Padang the entire day on saturday stepping onto disgusting mud puddles EVERYWHERE because of the morning thunderstorm,
and then getting baked in the afternoon sun STILL IN THE MIDST OF THE FREAKING MUD.
My poor red patent shoes D:
Thank god it's patent and not canvas though, i saw so many people have their gorgeous kicks ruined that very day all in the bid of supporting the local dance scene at R16.

The funk scene has definitely grown and every new competition there's just more and more things to be in awe of. People up leveling, fresh new moves, more freaking of beats and it's mind blowing.
I think at this point, funk battles are the best to watch, there's always something new.
I wished the hip hop and reggae ( is there even one in the first place?! ) scene could up the same way funk does.

i was there hawking shirts with the sexy baoxin and din't get to watch the full show.
And we both had to take shifts to catch our hamsum bfs compete and perform.
it was like text here text there or call...
" After this you come out okay, then i go back, you go watch ronald"
" Ah i wanna watch jacky after this! "
" okay can! ah i wanna watch ronald! "
haha just sms-es like this going back and forth to make sure we don't miss them on stage.

IMPERIOR FAM ROCKED THE STAGE
with tyron and yobo making hell entertaining mcs and getting the hype up,
yobo judging the beatbox cat,
ben doing his thing in the popping cat,
ty +yobo in the krump performance,
YOBO IN HIS AWESOME JUDGE SHOWCASE THE BEST I'VE SEEN SO FAR,
AND RONALD FOR GETTING 2ND IN THE POPPING CAT :D
UH UH IMPERIOR ASIA REPRESENT UH RONALD!

okay back to the sexy shirts!

Shirt themed DANCE.
Front with the words,
" DON'T THINK JUST MOVE "
and back with a connector,
" Dance: solely inspired by music"

What's dance without music? Even when the whole place is silent...when you're dancing at that very moment, you're dancing to the music only you can hear, the music you've picked out in your head. When the music plays, forget about freaking the beats, forget about the lines, forget about wow-ing the crowd, forget about what people think... feel the music, put in some soul.
Don't think, just move.

Shirt themed MUSIC
front with the words
" STOP, LOOK , LISTEN"
and back with a connector
"music: the language of the world"

What's everywhere? Filling every corner of the world, making their way into every beating heart? It's music. Music knows no barriers. Not age, not gender, not race , not language... next time you hear a tune, stop the bustling about with your lives, look around to see what's making up all that music and ... listen. What you have with you...
is the language of the world.

The signature RESPECT imprint initally found on the caps in the last picture,
now printed in contrasting red on black.
mmmhmmm, hot.
Just like the connector on the underside of the caps,
" Respect "
" Try earning mine "

We could all do with a little daily reminder that respect needs to be earned,
or remind certain people that they need to earn some respect for themselves.

Some other works from IMPERIOR ASIA,
the CHEST POP tee on preorder,
and the KRUMP tee ( in several colorways ) seen on yobo aka JK47 and repped by WOO FAM and the krumpers at L'oreals style vs style street show.

This is just the beginning,
you wouldn't wanna miss being part of this story.
Spread the love,
join
IMPERIOR ASIA

FUTILE

2010-04-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Day 1 of trying to get my money back was a failure.
Now there's nothing i can do but wait wait wait it all out....
Until the culprit steps out with actions or declarations of some sort the 18 brands can only hope for the best ):
I just want my cash back, 1.7k would really help me out alot in building up the new brand. A whole lot. Sigh what untimely nonsense to be having me trip over my new startup.

I've thought, baby has asked me, my mum has asked me ,
What if you don't get the money back?
I just told them,
I'll sit on the floor and cry.
No seriously, i would. That plus make sure i come back with a limb of the laundering fucker to make up for it. tmd.

The past 2 days have been crazy for me, my emotional metronome goes from alright to angry to sad to cynic to touched to happy and repeats. It's all thanks to my mum and yobo that the spectrum gets so wide otherwise it'll just be categorised under FUCKED UP, they push every thing back up with the little thoughts and actions, but still....i slip. And my vulgarity meter has hit an all time high, everything for me now is fuck-this-fuck-that-fuck-him-fuck-her-fuck-i-want-my-money-back.
I got to change, fuck needs to stop replacing my punctuations.

Very thankful to have the sweetest boyfriend on earth to accompany me down to the shops to clear my doubts, to stand up for me when something slips my mind or when things don't seem so right. Also my conspiring bitching partner as he listens to my whining and fears and joins in as we try to figure out what the hell is happening. Comforting me when i start to emo, thinking about how my gorgeous 1.7K is just spreading it's pretty little wings and flapping away D: And of course cheering me up with the silliest sometimes most idiotic nonsense ever, and the love. I could never forget the love.
I love you jacky lam of fat,
Thank you for everything (:
trust okay?

Of course not forgetting my mum who when i told her what happened,
immediately had her maternal instincts kicking in...
" If they don't pay you back the deposit, tell me.
I will go down there and make sure they give it to you.
I will not let anyone take advantage of my daughter! "
Awwww, swear my heart was melting on the inside.
Thank you mommmy <3<3

Even if i do not get back my money ( which i fucking hope wont turn out this way ),
I'm not going to let this get me down.
1.7k is only a small part of the many thousands i hope to make in the future + i wisened up with all my BLACK&WHITEBLACK&WHITE thoughts.
still....
I WANT MY MONEY BACK GOD DAMNNNNIIIT.

I WANT MY MONEY BACK

2010-04-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

Okay so here's what's happening now that's really getting me shifting about in my seat from uneasiness, anxiety and quite possibly anger that will ensue in a bit if it doesn't clear up.

Earlier this month i joined Best of Blogshops @ FEP since my current management for TheBlogShop @ haji was deemed to take over and they asked me up on board. The management and the people of TBS have been good so far and i thought why not? No money issue hiccups at TBS, they're nice people i trust them + it's FEP reaches out to a greater crowd and more awareness of the brand.

Well right this moment , BOB has closed down , both shops at FEP have been repossessed by the management of FEP. And apparently the owner has left everyone without their deposits, their due sales cheques and i believe worst of all , their forwarded rentals. I was told by TBS on sunday that they were no longer in charge and to clear my stuff from BOB just to make sure i dont make any losses from my merchandise being repossessed along with the shop, and i did that yesterday and today there's this hooha about the shop closing, the police coming down and all.

Initially it would have been so much easier and more relieving on my part if things were all that they were made out to be. But thanks to one of my customers, it's been a whole new story unfolded. And this grey area is really unnerving because it's messing with the trust which i had.
And i fucking hate it when people break that trust.

Hopefully when i head down tomorrow to clear whatever doubts and all i will be able to get back my 1.7k on the spot. But i am worried, very because of certain terms that were not set.
This setback has just blown up in my face a fact i was faced with years ago.
IN BUSINESS YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS. NOT EVEN KINSHIP.
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING HAS TO BE DOWN IN BLACK AND WHITE.
WHEN IT'S DOWN TO COLD HARD CASH,
NOBODY'S GOING TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU.

Whatever it is, i will not allow anyone to play me out anymore, i've had enough of fuckers messing around with my trust in whatever way.
I will get back that money or something has to pay for it in some way.
Nobody's going to take advantage of me or any one that i love and get away with it.

OMG

2010-04-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

via
OMGFACTS

THIS IS CRUEL: 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

The world record for time without sleep is 264 hours.

Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest. He didn't even make the finals.

The Bible is the number one most shoplifted book of all time.

In Hong Kong the wife of a husband who commits adultery is legally entitled to kill the mistress in any manner desired - but she may only murder the husband with her bare hands.

Your earlobes line up with your nipples.

dirty dancing

2010-04-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

"...Dancing is about being exactly who you wanna be at that moment... "

One of my favourite movies of all times,
Dirty Dancing 2 Havana Nights.
Trying to find the video on youtube now, i lost the really good quality full movie i had a few years back D:

Every single person dancing in the movie is really feeling the music (:
Plus i love the dresses they wear in the show.

the chronicles of barrage

2010-04-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

Second installment of barrage and i had fun editing some photos.

AVATAR

mmhmmm another fierce krump shirt photo, love the staircase as the background.

Just been thinking how sad it is that people you know become people you knew.
People you trusted to know you well enough, to really find out rather than assume...
let you down.
It comes to a point when you sit back and think and you wonder,
whatever happened to all those moments we spent together?
Are relationships really so fragile that gossip fodder, that assumptions, that lies, that rumours that truth twisted to nothings are enough to wreck something you build.
Something faux breaking something that you thought was real, you felt was real.
Ashes to ashes dust to dust,
why let animosity run through those veins?

Trust can be that easily crumbled,
just like buildings that fall,
it's never easy to build it back.

BRIYANNI FROM KINDERGARTEN

2010-04-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

here's to my longest friendship of 16 years from checkered green uniforms to batman suits to gawky puberty to change to so much better now,
HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY BRIYANNI!
Thanks for being at every single step of my life (:
We don't see each other much but you know how much you mean to me!
mmmhmmm brother :D i've always got your back
REUNION SOOON WITH NANA.
May this year be so much better than the last.
I know having love alone as upped the awesome factor :3

2010-04-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

After the session today and the talk with keemz and shauna...
MAN I AM FREAKING EXCITED!
I'm so excited to make this all work as a team, and knowing just how much we love this just makes me happier, it's always wonderful to do something you love esp when tough times are in the roll it's always good to have something to just keep you going.
I know the love for reggae will keep us all pushing it (:
This is one of the rare moments i force myself to do something even though it seems crazy and i'm so thankful i did.

Ceekay's 21st a few days back and it was just one full nice of hype and dance, felt like going to FTL, awesome awesome jam.
It's nice seeing how supportive and closeknit his family seems to be, just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
And makes me wonder how my 21st would be like, i've never had a birthday party in my entire 18 years and i find it hard to imagine a birthday party at my 21st.
But a boring like every other year 21st doesn't seem so appealing huh?

ceekay soloing and some action going on in the background that xiaomei pointed out.

The stand in one circle and dance nonsense girls, but it was crazy fun.

the "miscellaneous" groupshot.

On the way to eating dry meesua

Then there was the photoshoot by meichin for ty and yobo.
MMHMMM FOR THE CHESTPOP SHIRTS.
DO JOIN IMPERIOR ASIA ON FB, DOPE LINEUP OF APPAREL AND CAPS COMING UP.
just a few of the many shots and one sneaky shot of me stoning.

Cant wait for yobo and i to get the camera together to take good pictures and all, it'll be crazy fun.
Things are looking up dance wise (:
Shop wise not so good yet. Site's all done now time to clear the sales and new collection.
And some cock up at BOBS D: shiat.

Looking forward to charging up more!

Kitty

2010-04-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

For animal, esp cat, lovers out there,
Please do have a read of the article in the link below.
And if you can do help (: Donating, taking in the cat or just spreading the word.

Cat Welfare Society

Thank you (:
And I hope the bastard responsible for this gets it's ass bitten real hard by karma.

bike

2010-03-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yobo had another photoshoot today (:
His favourite out of all my edited versions

Hope

2010-03-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across two very lovely websites.
Lovegivesmehope
Givesmehope
And thought i'd share because i found every single post in there really beautiful (:

One of my favourites being:

" My mom died four years ago of cancer and my dad recently started dating.

Yesterday I heard him speaking in his room, and I thought he was phoning a girlfriend.

I heard him whispering to my mom, telling her how hard it is and how much he misses her, promising that no matter what, he loves her. "

15 years after my dad has passed away, my mum still tells me that he is the man she loves the most (:
My little lovegivesmehope huh.

kohl and rouge

2010-03-31T01:01:00.000-07:00

COMING SOON!

Phew i've been staring at the computer for the past 5 hours *pukes*, i'm so giddy now.
Interchanging between those puny little html codes and bejewelled ( damn i'm stuck ) , and checking between the lappy and desktop to make sure the alignment doesnt get screwed on different screen sizes. And now i'm stuck halfway cos i cant make the links work D: I'll stab myself if there's no way to make the links work, i like the skin too much now, and plus the hours i spent O.O zomg please make them worrrrrk.

Off to mail the listees now , man it's been what, 3 months? since i last sent out an update i hope they dont just click delete. Finish up the little admin stuff, then do up a sales post to clear everything, post up the backlogged pieces and get a brand new start on the new site!

Bye to Keelova soon, and heelllloooo to KohlandRouge.
I've been dying to switch over ever since i thought of the latter.
mmhmmm i'm looking forward! Plus the manufactured piece :D

Mail listees, condition a bit, haji to stock up then to boonlay for JACK'S PLACE with the brother.
Today's so productive, i like!

too much too little

2010-03-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

A little too much running around in my head at the moment.
Time to have a lil heart to heart with my blue book.

19th April

2010-03-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

School reopens on 19th April D:
Oh tamade.

camp withdrawal

2010-03-27T06:59:00.000-07:00

I am back from camp, sadly.
5 days and 4 nights gone and before i knew it, i'm back home.
Some dankness in the air now i think camps act as a form of escape from reality, it's like a holiday, just for that few days you get thrown into something totally different from what you always do and you'd get kinda cut off from reality, a different life.
Funnily enough, i adapt to camp life really fast and on the contrary i break out of that camp state really slow.
I'm just missing that few days really badly now, can't wait for the next hols to roll by so that i can repeat this again (:

i caught my first prawn and saw real life that their eyes can glow and for the very first time, i looked at a prawn up close and scanned every detail and discovered my talent in holding on to a flipping live prawn without freaking out about the pincers. I learnt the wrath of cordon bleu, crazy crazy shit but i'm definitely improving though not prettily every acquaintance with the lethal stuff leaves me keeling over. And most importantly, i relinquished the fact that i need to learn how to open my goddamned self glued together mouth and speak.my.mind before i explode into a flashback to the past. Not pretty at all.

No pictures from camp but yobo and i headed out several days back and took tons of photos. Okay more like i took tons of photos of him think like 200 over cos the place was really awesome and after the first few shots of me gleamed back at me with the words FATTY i decided no no pictures of me. And tada there we have it tons of photos of jacky lam of fat and i edited like 60 over ._. all up on fb and some of my favourites here. dammmmn pretty fine to my eyes.

heart fail

mmhmmm and below goes the handfuls of photos that i am in love with like zomg why so nice!

and and and !!!

awwwwww my sweet lil angel ^-^
HAHAHAHA
okay good night it's 3.30am i got to get my ass out of at 7 am D: go down to mandai and pray to my dad, busy day tomorrow.
I miss my fat boy he is out there playing lan somewhere.

Love

2010-03-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

1. With love, the impossible becomes possible.
2. Love is the only universal language. It requires no words to understand.
3. Just before we die, nothing else matters in this world, except love.
4. Love and happiness go hand in hand.
5. Hate makes you blind, while love makes you see.
6. Love and hate are opposites. If people say love is the most important thing in the world, then what is hate?
7. Love gives life and hate destroys it.
8. You can never destroy the ones you love, only the ones you hate. So the only way to avoid destruction is to love.
9. Love is the only water that can quench the heart’s thirst.
10. E=MC² (the energy of love equals the amount of love or mass times the speed of light squared)
11. Love needs to display all its entire splendor, like a peacock, before it can be appreciated.
12. With love, words are not enough; it must be followed by loving actions.
13. I am painting the most important thing in this world love.
14. There is no true love between neighbors, until war becomes peace.
15. Love is a hole in the heart that needs a lifetime to fill.
16. Love is the inner sun, which keeps you warm and alive.
17. Love knows no colors.
18. The light of this world is pure love.
19. Open up your heart, and you will open up your mind.
20. Love answers to no one, except love.
21. Love to Live. Live to Love.

And it's not just love between partners, love is everywhere, out there for everyone every little thing that you could hold dear to you.

neoprints and dragons

2010-03-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

After eons , i finally took neoprints again! It was fun filled nonsense peppered with our usual idiotic photo poses, if only neoprints werent so expensive per pop D:

And we caught HOW TO TRAIN A DRAGON which was really good, like waaay above what i was expecting cos i went into the theatre without watching the trailer beforehand and all. Alot of laughter, alot of awwwwws, alot of nerve gripping moments and i liked it alot. Makes me want a toothless :3 According to yobo .." Can fight with UP ! ". I din't watch up so i don't know but it was just awesome for me.

mmmhmmm camp in another 4 hours timeeee!
I AM FREAKING EXCITED.
WILL BE BACK WITH A CRAZY LOT OF PICTURES I THINK.
*counts lucky stars*
:)
back to packing then to sleeep then to camp.

gasping

2010-03-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

struggling like crazy to get back my stamina and all.
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy :')

a little ethereal

2010-03-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

Just got back from my virgin shisha experience with yobo,tyron michelle and the taiwanese lockers. It was fun and dizzy, and the place was really cosy mmmhmmm. I miss woo fam and jina, so many days after they left and we're still on aegyo, sexy cutie handsome? Hope the korean trip would come true and by then i would have picked up krump well enough. It's been one international dancer after another, next would be R16 and korean dancers again, it's been great getting to know each of them and i'm really looking forward to the dance scene upping as a whole. It's just so so so much more than what we have and what we know, mmhmm it's a big big world.

Headed down to stock up for TheBlogShop and Best of Blogshops just now and i'm getting the drive again! And yupp, i've gotten a space at FEP's BOBS as well, 4th level :D But i'll be changing officially to kohlandrouge soon, once the site is done up ( tmd troublesome ), then i can get namecards and all the other admin nonsense done. No more slacking, the slackoff caused me my sales at both shops which really sucked. Probably headed down to get the design done tmr :D excited to get my first manufactured piece up i hope all goes well!

Then it'll be jadeyyy and me and eyebrows and a whole lot to catch up on (: I've been on a bit of a uniqlo wave at the moment, after sorting out my closet and taking stuff out to sell/flea/donate/diy, i've realised my painful lack of basic wear. But i'm packing them up :D especially since recently discovering jeans ( a little late i know ). That and every night i still think about striking lottery to satisfy every single need and want i could probably haveeee...

BOOTCAMP IN ONE DAY . CRAZY EXCITED. and after that it's fats extermination :D
c'est la vie

2010-03-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

What have you done?

(Bold for the have-dones, coloured for the want-to-dos.)

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records (CDs)
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand (it doesn't have to be sex)
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror Show
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds not all at once, but after losing, gaining, and then losing again, it adds up
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

branded

2010-03-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday i was reading an issue of juice and saw the article on Marcpinto and his branding technique and tadah! i come across clicknetwork's new series today and it features the exact same technique.

BRANDING
click to view the video!

I have yet to touch up my white ink and my birds just looks like 3 triangles ._. doubt any touchup could save them unless i get them over in black ink. Still havent gotten my second ink yet but it'll definitely happen :D Now i'm really intrigued by this branding method, it heals just like a scar which would be kinda like my white ink but just more permanent and definite. Sadly the one on my ankle dint fully heal the way i wanted it, and i'm just waiting that while more to get it done up again. Who knows i just might end up doing branding instead of a tattoo.

For now, i've got school planned out and with that bit of egging on from my bro i'm actually feeling much better :3 and the holidays are getting on and hopefully i can set everything into place the way i want it to be in time for school. Dance and money :D :D :D and hopefully come july/august KOREAN HERE I COME. or wherever i can go, it's hard to do much when funds arent high ,time to start working again !

There's a part of me that's been looking up (: Very very much, it's a crazy nice feeling to breathe the way i do now. To wake up and be able to feel like this, it's all been worthwhile... every single bit of the way i had to come. Without you, i wouldn't have been able to get where i am this soon, thank you yobo for all the support. For the tomorrow to come, I live now (:

aiyo so fierce uh someone.

c'est la vie (:

2010-03-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

2010-03-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

mbio sub in a little more than 24 hours ._.
my whatever nonsense sickness is ebbing away :D but i am still left with a whole lot of antibiotics D:and i cant wait for it to clear from my system as well.
I made some decisions with school and talked to my neko drawing brother and his advice is comforting.
Will be cooking after a crazy long time for the sunday outing ZOMG *cross fingers my classmates dont die*
BOOT CAMP NEXT WEEK I AM DAMN EXCITED ! FREAKING EXCITED !
And my jeans are missing D: like they literally just disappeared shitzx.
I CANT WAIT TO GET ON WITH ALL MY LITTLE PLANS HERE AND THERE.
cutting here i come (:
fat boy and fat girl slim!
muahahaha boucing back with a vengeance.

kay time for bed, tmr i conquer mbio again! :D

2010-03-14T03:18:00.000-07:00

my holidays so far havent been exactly bad but it's been far from what i've wanted. Spent 5 days taking care of grandpa when he came over, 4 days down with fever and now i've gottta stay home more days and be my mum's chaperone through and from work. Okay, it sounds pretty bad but yea i am kinda complaining because i'm not much of a stay home fan. I cant glue my eyes to the computer hours on end and be entertained.

Finally went out last night and it rained! I've been waiting so long for it to rain. Everything was just getting parchy and humid and the weather was just disturbing, there was a forest fire in the tampines region and when my 168 passed the charred smell seeped into the bus. So proud of yobo with the krump :D it was awesome and lucky it ended just before the rain.

I've fallen in love with audrey kawasaki's work, it's gonna be a long climb for me to get back my physical state, i've gotten rashes for the bastard medication and if my holiday ensues like this i am really going to cry.

etched

2010-03-12T04:18:00.000-08:00

For the past that's been holding me back
For the future that's been keeping me behind
I live for now.

2010-03-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

One day i'd only be left with photographs as memories, things would have changed.
And it'll be hurting much more than thus.

2010-03-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

Both my mum and i are down with fever now and it's actually been very long since i last had the kinda fever that starts with a cough, running nose then the full blown thing. 39.6 degrees + 48 dollar doctors bill + 8 different types of medication. I think this is the worst i've ever had + my 2 weeks old cough. i want to get well soon so that i can fully enjoy my holidays and get my ass back on track ticking things off my to-do list. Okay good night world, i'm off to sleep again.

pandas on handstands

2010-03-08T01:43:00.000-08:00

I’m the artist that did this and the story behind it is great. The client comes in and says that he wants a panda doing a handstand. After some discussion, he explains that pandas do handstands on average of six times a day because they want to, and he proclaims “I want to do more things just because I want to.” He then adds that they also do handstands against trees and piss up them - whomever pisses the highest establishes dominance. So after I finish, he writes me a note that says something along the lines of “Thank you, now I piss the highest on the tree.”

Got this off
fuckyeahtattoos
I think the whole idea behind it is cool

Science centre

2010-03-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

2 different videos. Here's yobo beatboxing into the echo tube and it sounds just whoa when you've got your head stuck into the echo tube together with him while he's beatboxing. Only that much my shitty little camera can do ):

This scream measurement thing and yobo doing his signature shriek. IT IS FREAKING LOUD in real life, like crazy. Someone outside kinda yelped hahaha.

This.is.the.shit. Definitely my favourite exhibit at the science center. We were stuck at this for reallllllly long just playing around with it.

paper weight

2010-03-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

It's been like 6 years? uh huh that long since i last stepped into the Science Centre, or at least i think it was that long since i have zero recollection of any trips during sec school. We got the combo with the IMAX Movie, Bodyworlds and Science centre pass and stayed till closing. Went to every single exhibit tried every thing there was to try and had a hell lot of fun.

Bodyworlds was amazing, it's quite a waste for those who missed it. It's just wow, one plastinane body takes 1500 hours and approx 1 year to make and that's for a human. There was a GIRAFFE in the exhibit, imagine how long that took. I think the exhibit that amazed me and baby the most of this basketballer, the body was totally thrown off cg and the only part in contact with the floor was the front sole. Plus there was no other hanging support i scanned 360 degrees of the entire case, and nope nothing at all. It was fascinating, seeing real organs on display, several which have gone through diseases of sorts and it's a whole lot more intriguing than words on books. Plus the lovely quotes on the walls everywhere spreading the love of your body, putting across the fact of the wonders of the body and simple food for thought (:

" It's not counting the years that matter, it's making the years count"

" Growing old is a matter of mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesnt matter"

and something that went along the lines of
" You only truely start aging when you stop learning. It's a young mind that matters"

The IMAX movie was awesome, i loved every single bit of it. It was like heading to underwater world all over again just that there's so much more to it. The narrator was witty yet matter of fact and having a 2 storey high half sperical screen blow up the images just made me feel like i was right there in the water, imagine it in HD mmhmmm. Marine life is just amazing and feels insanely ethereal to me, thinking of renovating the room , something small scale though and very much underwater-ish.

Then after all that we went to watch Dear John, heart rending and tear jerking but it wasn't as sad as i imagined. But it was still a good movie, the way they whole thing was done. I'm gonna read the book, it's been long since i picked up a new book and read one. It's just been the newspaper, online sites, magazines or rereading my old books. And the soundtrack is awesome :> got quite a few songs up on my mixpod.

heading off from admiralty

HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

see how all the reflections are pointing up to the finger touching the metal ball?

Day well spent (:

life is like a

2010-03-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

I sat on a rollercoaster today.
And i'm glad i shared that experience with you :')
Baby we'll take the real thing next time (:
No more crazy tears and laughing then crying then crazy then emo.
We'll be normal people taking a rollercoaster , a literal hugeass one.
No more small yet mammoth insane emotional rollercoasters anyone.
I hope time can really heal, otherwise zomg. do i really need to see a shrink?
AND WHY HELLO NANA YOU HIGHLIGHTER BOY (: thank you for making me smile with your ZOMG WHY SO RETARDED SMS

double edged sword

2010-03-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

I think not being contented works better for me. Happy and thankful? Yes. Contented? No.
Time to up the ante on this holiday with the ton of stuff to tick off my to-be-filled-up to-do list.
And i will take back what was and still is, rightfully mine.
Because ingrates do not deserve any of this good will.

hair.

2010-03-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

mmmhmmmmm baby's hair is like siccckk now. i like.
My hair on the other hand... I dont know what to do with it and there's a love-hate relationship.
good night.

dancehall

2010-03-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

Shisha is effing hot.

niptuck

2010-03-01T02:59:00.000-08:00

I wished i could niptuck my way to perfection that when i'm standing buck naked infront of the mirror i dont feel the urge to just erase away my own reflection. When the clothes, the makeup, when everything is off i dont feel so insecure about everything that i wish i could put them all back on. That i no longer need the makeup and everything else to make me feel alright, that all these would make me feel wonderful because i was alright to start with. Why am i back to zero again? just a week ago or so ago i walked out of the house in my jeans and bustier, feeling fat and unattractive but i still did then i felt alright. Now i just shun away from everthing that i feel has been making me look awful, and i feel awful regardless. How do some girl feel so comfortable in their own skin?

hollow

2010-02-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid of things i can't control. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of fear. Because my mindless fears always do me in. They stop me from being my best they stop me from giving my best sometimes. But it has never hurt this badly till now. Of realisation, that my fears would hurt someone when i never meant it, when it's entirely my doing, my thinking and that what i fear most is really losing. That one day i'll have nothing more to hug than just a memory, a ghost of the past.

I've never felt so happy in my entire life, never felt like everyday was so worth remembering and keeping alive in my mind. It just makes me treasure what i have so much more, and makes me fear losing this just as much. Every hug and kiss hurts, not because i'm sad but because scared. I've only got love to give, i've got nothing else. What i have is perfect, it's always been what i wanted but i know i'm not perfect and that kills me. If i don't learn to love myself, i'll never be able to love truely. I'll never be able to see past all these fears. I guess it's time i changed myself till lying to myself because a reality.

apps and itunes.

2010-02-27T15:38:00.000-08:00

2010-02-26T07:13:00.000-08:00

I like this. Very very much (:

day where u gone?

2010-02-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

Post Exam. Post Floor The Love. And semi reeling in shock and excitement that freeeedom is here.
Apart from the impending mbio paper T_T all's well!

Floor The Love was just a crazy experience for me, crazy but amazing :) Could have done much better but i fell into battle syndrome which kinda sucked. Still it was just unbelievable for 2AM and being the last group to be called out, i was so happy and excited and shocked and excited and shocked again. The person i have to thank the most is MEVALIA LOSCO LO, my fellow M, even though you probably wont see this but i miss training with you and I LOVE YOU! Sorry i pulled us down, if we do conquer FTL 2011 together, i promise it'll be up level. Thanks mev for the experience (: wouldn't have wanted it any other way with anyone else.

Really inspired now, and that ebbing love for dance that i had is all just coming back. And that is just wonderful for me.

grin

2010-02-16T22:15:00.000-08:00

For all the small things can could make you smile (:

Studying yesterday was like..... shit. I bathed a total of 4 times in a day, the weather was so warm i kept having headaches, i couldnt sit still, things wouldnt go in, punctured studying with pirouettes to clear my head and sat from 10-9 with little progress. tres epic. And at 9pm i finally decided, fuck i cannot stand the heat and headaches anymore and i packed and went down to macs. Should have done that earlier, that cold air was a life saver. Then of course there's the Mr-i-am-@-causewaypoint-buying-bbcream who chased away my " audrey bu yao emo ): jia you ): " (hahahhaha) when he rang going " i give up luh ni zhai which mac donald i cant find you". Seriously chased away my blues and i chugged on assimilating my notes.

But of course, smarty pants me ended up mixing somethings here and there and tadah. I'd make today better (: At point, i have with much aplomb, cancelled out : 1) Home 2) group studying 3) overtly quiet places 4) places where people are having proper comprehensive conversation 5) songs 6) THE KNN HEAT, as my companions. And actually my most fruitful studying session was squeezing in one corner at a lan shop while yobo and gang went about with their FANCHEONGCHEE NANTIJATUH ZHUIHAOMEI .hmmmmmm.

And my white ink is really ugly now ): i'm cool with it, like i really wanted black ink but i know i cant have it any other way. but stilllll... I would be much happier if it turned out the way i wanted it to, *double crossing fingers*. And ronald's tattoo is summed up in one apt word... beautiful . It looked far less garang and more delicate than i expected it too. but it is awesome.

2010-02-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

CNY is getting worse each year, not just me, i see just about every one around me going about with it in drudgery. Even the kids aren't as hyped about it as before, they just arrive , get their money and knock out.. no more happy banter. And it's stressful, not just because of the looming exams like 2 days after the celebration, but also the insane amount of visiting..cramping smiles..serving..trying to cramp in studies without an opportunity.. mum stressing out and stressing us all out..relatives gossiping.... and alot of other things that made me wonder where the past cnys have died to. Last year was a like immunity year, this year, my little red packets arent so lucky. Once again they're gonna bear the brunt of quite possibly slipping out of my fingers, which is really like the not-so-sweet cherry on top of the cake. And the worst is that grandpa just got admitted to hospital, there's nothing i can do but pray and hope he'll be well. If those foul mouthed bitches are going to have anymore things to say about it, I would seriously forgo all the status shit and fuck them upside down, respect needs to be earned and idiots without compassion or the decency to know when to shut up... do not have an ounce of my respect. I'm just waiting for the clear all now, to know my grandpa is safe.

something transient

2010-02-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

It's the third day of having my ink, and it is healing pretty ugly-ly actually. The second photo is what it looks like now, the third is what it looked like on the first day. And when it finally heals completely, it'll look like the one right on top (: or so i hope. With white ink you just cant be sure, but i'm cool with it. I'm looking forward to the touchup and how it'll look like finally.
more on the tattooo soon.

must go out to buy shoes naoz, cny shopping has been stressful, ugly lingerie, mad crowds and rushing here and there. oh gah.
get shoes, come home, reunion dinner , study, stay up, stay happy through the night yuppz.

white ink

2010-02-07T02:05:00.000-08:00

I'm done with what i want for my white ink and i'd be getting it next weekend.
To get me through this, a reminder, a push, a memoir on skin.
I'd love never to crumble in my own thoughts ever again.
This period in my life, i'd love to remember as much as i'd love to forget, ironic i know, but i guess it's really the transitional phase that went on a few years too long and this time round, this could very well make or break me.

School work and tests have been depressing.
What's worse than not doing well?
Studying so effing hard, walking into the rooming, flipping the pages and having ever single detail that could roll off my tongue so easily moments ago... just disappear.
Just jumble up and not make sense. It's demoralizing in ever sense of the word, and the worst? it felt like o's.

Ronald tagged me in a note on facebook and i found it really meaningful.
I've always known this , but sometimes i get so caught up entangled in everything that i feel as if my world's gonna crumble.
But it isn't, it never did.
There will always be people who have worse problems than us, way worse. But that doesn't mean we should ever belittle the problems of others around us, no matter how seemingly small it is to you.
But i best not get start on this, there's never a right or wrong and i'd end up going in argumental circles.

Someone told me yesterday that life sucks cuz her dad put a limit on her credit card and she can't spend as

much as before. Thus making me think about this thing in my head I've always contemplated. I think we

lead two lives. Life in society. Life in naturality. Life isn't bad. It's society and technology and a drive to

connect with the fast paced world around that makes your brain stupid to simple stuff. Why you should tell

yourself Life Is Good if you're a lucky one that falls under the stuffs below. and cut down on life sucks. Cuz

The sunrise is beautiful. Cuz the sunset is too. Cuz the stars that shine at night are too. Cuz there's a

roof above your head. Cuz you can eat, drink, walk and talk. Cuz you don't need to worry about dying

in a moment from explosives, bullets, invaders. Cuz most of the time you get to choose "want" over

"need". Cuz you have someone who loves you. Cuz there's also another big bunch of small little stuff

when you sit down, straighten out your mind, take a breather and take a little time to think that'll turn

that frown upside down. I guess we all wanna strive to live in the "happiness" equivalent of society.

But when the going gets tough, simplicity is simply being able to find happiness in simple things :)

And if there's one thing i'd really love to have in the future. It'll be a beautiful home.
Not a house, but a home (:
A beautiful place i can call my own, that's filled with love and happiness and comfort and family.

2010-02-07T00:21:00.000-08:00

We celebrated an early valentine's and it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me and it left me touched and crying. Every single detail and every thought put into it really meant alot to me.
wanna hold you close, want to hold your hand and fall asleep, want to be there for you all the time yobo <: i love you.

and sorry wont make a change

2010-02-04T14:46:00.000-08:00

fucking scared now, of myself, of what i will cause.
What happened , why do i crumble like i used to? Slave myself to my own emotions and thoughts.
I cant stand these moments, and i dont want anyone to see them.
I never ever want to make someone upset like that ever again, i cant believe i let myself to.
You're a fucking burden, audrey.

Le love

2010-02-03T03:44:00.000-08:00

" I feel ripped off by Disney movies. I grew up believing that my very own Prince Charming would find me, and it would be lovely, and I would be happy forever and there would never be a spider in the bath, or a blown light bulb when I’m home alone, or a rainy day when I missed the bus. My Prince Charming would never let me feel sad. I honestly believed that, because seeing is believing, and that was all I’d seen.

But I was little then, and now I am fourteen years old, and I wonder if Prince Charmings even exist. I know I’m too young to feel like this, but I’m glad of it. I’m glad I’ve realized now that even if I did find that perfect boy for me, sometimes spiders might still crawl up through the drain and I might only see them once I’d gotten all my bubble bath and candles ready. And I know that bus drivers are dickheads and won’t stop driving for someone who’s running to the stop, even if I do find the love of my life. I am glad that I know, now, that it’s okay if I never have a man like Prince Eric or Aladdin. Because Eric fucked a fish lady and Aladdin wears stupid pants anyway, and they couldn’t solve all my problems with a pretty song and dance.

So I feel ripped off by Disney movies, because they lied to me when I was just a gullible little kid, and made me wish I could go to a ball and find the love of my life. I feel ripped off, because they made me hope for something impossible. I feel ripped off, because what I’ve learned in my short life is not to believe what you see in movies. And now, if my very own Prince Charming came along, I wouldn’t even see him. "

- lily, 14 year old.

"Honey,

It's not that there will never be spiders in your bath or asshole bus drivers or bad bulbs...the reality of life is not that your love will make those things disappear, it's that you will have someone to capture the spider and take it outside, to kiss you in the rain and make you laugh at how silly you looked chasing that bus, and light a candle for you when you call him to come and save you from the dark.

Life is not a Disney movie. Trust me, I've been where you are, and it might take a year or 5 or 10, but you will find your love and it will make everything worth it. It will be better than a Disney movie, I promise you that.

So don't lose hope, don't give up. All the waiting, all the pain and loneliness you feel, all those bad days and bad guys and cold nights will become insignificant. They'll still be there, they never go away...but your love will overpower them. He may not be a prince by any means, but he'll be yours and he will save you.

<3 "

- Stephanie

It's nice to read what people think about love.

Opposites

2010-02-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

random mornings.

2010-01-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

Taking a break on the report and i found these images on the web. It's seriously not easy to keep up the pace when you have to redo just about your entire report again. I'm hating computer crashes for that very fact.

Ombre hair.
Amazing or whaaat.

the innocence of kids (:

And an amazing and incredibly heart rending video. It's never failed to make me teary-eyed even though I've watched it a few times. It's really wow how you see all kinds of people with all kinds of life stories coming onto the same set to chase the same dream. Seeing someone so sincere just brings about some thoughts in me.
How many sincere and genuine people do i really have in my life? Seems foxes' tails are slowly popping out one by one. I wouldn't wanna end up like z, placing so much importance and caring so much for them, when really, they're all just hypocrites. It's just sad. I don't want to be taken for granted ever again, i don't want to be caring so much for the wrong people who'd just backstab me on day.
And it's yobo's first day of work at Pawfrenz tomorrow. It's gonna be awesome, he'll be learning so much. Was happy seeing how happy and excited he was after heading over today. i'll be over to visit lucas and everyone else soon, it's gonna be nice reliving how it was to work back there and probably when the holidays start i'll be back there helping out.
It'll be pretty awesome if i actually do get to open that one stop dream petshop and maybe our "uhuhsiol" dream could come true.
Yobo, jia you (: We'll get past each of our biggest fears together. I'll be there for you, however long it takes for you to find what you have in mind as a stable career. For now, we'll just take one step at a time. This holidays, we do some awesome planning alright? Thank you for being here.

checkmate

2010-01-31T07:48:00.000-08:00

Fighting back for balance.
Fight on.

thanks for the mmrs.

2010-01-30T23:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, this morning, every little moment had me thanking my lucky stars. The negativity has been harder to deal with than i imagined and it did leave me in doubt, but sans that i know i wouldn't have it any other way than what i have now. I broke surface. I went on a playback. i went on a fast forward. We talked about the past, about the present, about the future. We talked about us and about others, thoughts, fears, strengths, weaknesses, friends, family, love, passion... faith. What we each wanted, what we had in mind to achieve and all the what if's. I learnt alot. The justifying of everything without biasness just gave me a clearer view of everything, where i stand, what i truely believe in. At time, some things are still a blur, plagued with uncertainty. But the time will come when it all comes clean. And last night, i threw away categories. Classifications of "friends" "family" "close friends" "loved ones", it's really just " the people who matter" . Isn't it?
Baby if you see this let me know wokaaay (: Cos i think you're the only weirdo who would be highlighting my posts, but i cant be sure. I love you yobo, yesterday was amazing. Just us sharing our thoughts, you listening to me, no assumptions no judgements no rebuttals, i've never really had that. And you being there just listening, it means alot to me. The fact that i'm telling you every single thing about me and not being scared, it means alot too. Same for me, if you died today, i will wail.

2010-01-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

"So much held in a heart in a life. So much held in a heart in a day, an hour, a moment. We are utterly open with no one, in the end - not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each, but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when we are older we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scored and torn, repaired by time and will, patched by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall."

Joyas Voladoras, Brian Doyle

metronome

2010-01-27T08:00:00.001-08:00

There's always a balance,
There always needs to be.
Some balances are meant to be made,
others, are meant to be.

why?

2010-01-26T05:36:00.000-08:00

"...AIYO WHY YOU LIKE THAT?!... "

to hold

2010-01-25T23:45:00.001-08:00

δύναμη

what's burned at stake

2010-01-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

After a short while, past the little turbulence,
things have a little change in perspective.
And it's all painted in cynic humour.

Run baby run

2010-01-24T00:26:00.000-08:00

Thank you for keeping me sane in my insane little thoughts,
Hopefully i'd be able to do well and make you proud.
Bursting with underlying stress now ):
After all this madness we can tick things off the list one after another,
go go get going audrey.
yobooooo saranghaeeee!

2010-01-23T22:56:00.000-08:00

These were from really long ago. I miss going for reggae classes and man, i've fallen so far behind in dance it's unnerving. Gotta pick up the pace soon.
JADE I'M DATING YOU FOR CLASS ALRIGHT.

fueling insecurity.

2010-01-22T00:18:00.000-08:00

You hush yourself to sleep,
" You are fine "
And bite your lips till they bleed, this is the now.
And you're living a lie.

Goodbye days

2010-01-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

Thinking of picking up japanese again, but i doubt it'll be anytime soon considering all the stuff i have at hand, on hold or being taken care off.
Quite a waste really, dropping third language in secondary school.
Soon, looking forward to expanding my shrunken japanese vocab to more than " can i go to the toilet", " sorry i'm late", " faster faster" and a whole lot of other erm... nonsense.

unsettling

2010-01-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes things around you just feel like dust.
One moment everything is all fine and calm, just like dust left on a shelf too long, it's just there and everything stays the way it is.
But all it takes is a small breeze, a little motion and it all gets thrown off tandem.
The specks levitate and everything just starts unsettling.
And there's always a mark where things got disturbed, very much like a scar.
It isn't a nice feeling at all.

Wind doesn't bring away uneasiness the way it does with dust.

2010-01-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

i am ... :

1) going to try and conquer MBIO
2) damn scared i'll end up getting chicken pox
3) thinking of getting vaccinated
4) proud of how much i cleared around the house
5) wondering when my entire house will finally be cleaned
6) looking forward to finally having a water heater
7) craving for a bloody lot of things
8) extremely happy for briyanni and nana and myself <3
9) itching to get back to stuff for the blogshop
10) on cloud 983047183294723640 everytime i see yobo
11) worried about FTL
12) dead stressed everytime i think of MBIO
13) still dreaming about striking TOTO
14) hatching an evil thought in my head and wishing it would come true
15) missing yobo
16) wishing all would really be fine
17) pissed of by people who talk too much shit
18) irked at that thought still
19) glad i met jade yesterday
20) constantly worrying about what would happen
21) thankful for everyday
22) awaiting this crazy week to pass
23) worried about my constant fatigue
24) constantly thinking about concert ):

sick kicks.

2010-01-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

BIGBOYTHANG
click the above!

HEAD DOWN TO BIGBOYTHANG'S SITE FOR MORE KICKS.
AND MORE DOPE STUFF TO LOOK OUT FOR COMING SOOOOOON.

yobo?

2010-01-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

tamade hen baichi <3
but wo xihuan.

surreal

2010-01-14T05:23:00.000-08:00

Ever felt so happy you got scared?
Like everything was so surreal you felt like it was a dream,
one you were afraid of waking up from.

my definition

2010-01-13T08:59:00.000-08:00

I spent pretty much the later half of 2009 thinking, trying to figure out, trying to define happiness. I was trying so hard to find something tangible, something i knew i could fall back on, something i felt i could finally seek comfort in... And i tripped over and over again. Defining happiness became something unhappy for me. But here i am , 2010 has just begun,
and where i am right now, it's happiness. No more searching blindly, aiming too high, reaching out too far... I'm just feeling this moment not thinking and just enjoying it. I cant quite put a finger to what it is exactly, but things are looking up , my mind's clearer i'm thinking more rationally, i'm being less emotional and i'm happy (:

If there's one thing i'd do this year,
It's to treasure whatever i have right now.
I've learnt the hard way about taking things for granted, because sometimes, it's really just too late to apologise and too late to salvage everything.
And now that i have what i have, i don't want to lose it, be it school, friends, dance, studies, money, love, family.
It's time i really cleaned up my act proper and do some maintaining.
09 was a pretty bad year for me, too much drama too little done but everything bad is just a figment of my memory now.
Truth be told, it all feels far away.
And apart from GEMS and the fb perf, I've had zero emotional attachment to anything else.

2010 has had a great start so far, I snapped out of denial and finally told myself that it's not going to work and i found closure overnight knowing i had given my all and it was time to move on. I found a huge part of happy, leaving me smiling and thankful and loved every day so far. Bridges i had foolishly chosen to break are mending back each day. And i realised how much i've really fallen behind in studies, i go to school and ... i don't know a single shit. It's not easy climbing back out from that pit, but i'm trying and i'd make it work enough for me to hopefully get me near that 4k. I'm making more time for the family, alot more, spending weekends with my grandpa and possible stayovers at my grandma. Blogshop wise, it's been a lil stagnant, new year, new start i plan to do some major revamping... like say. A CHANGE IN NAME. haha okay stupid fickle minded me, that'll be the third name once i change and the last. And lastly dance, i'm opting out of concert. Which really pains me, but i'm just not ready this year, and i know myself well enough that if i had to choose dance or studies, i'd definitely prioritise dance. Which would cause me to fuck up another round and i really do not wish to stay another year. So yea, i better make sure i sit my ass down to do some studying when i have to. I guess there's still FTL to look out for , don't think i could deal with anymore shit cropping up in dance just cause i just wasn't my best so i better redeem myself this time round.

Lastly, i stick by my stand that time isn't a measure for love.
Nobody knows clearer than us what happened, so if there are people who don't bother knowing and who are very keen to talk shit, fuck you. Don't assume.

It's 5am, i'm finally off to bed, drowsy meds got me sleeping way early and i finally feel sleepy.
Hope 2010 would be a good year for everyone around me (:
AND JADE IF YOU SEE THIS, I MISS YOU LIKE MAD I CANNOT WAIT FOR MONDAY.
AND AH MU I WILL SEE YOU SOON OKAY!!!!