tender reed

' I dream', she said.



' I dream of nights, lonely. I dream of roads, too long.
And i dreamt one night, that one perfect night.
That love wasn't only for the lucky and the strong. '
, she continued, voice barely a wisp.



That tear trickled down, it finally did.
A stab right there, just right at that place , her heart.
It was the most overwhelming feeling, it hurt.
That tear caught the light, it glistened...
How could something so sad and painful be so beautiful?



It was gone, that tear.
Her fingers traced her face as they always did, and they left nary a trace.
She took a deep breath, her chest heaved, her heart wrenched...
and her lips.
They quivered , ever so lightly, ever so fragile.
This was the moment, one so bittersweet and familiar.
This was the moment she braced herself, to carry on.



She continued with words this time,
they were louder than actions for once.




"In my dream, I didn't have to be strong so much. You were there to back me up.
I din't have to be strong for you so much, you knew when exactly to hold your own and
I din't have to be strong for us so much because you were strong with me.
In my dream, You finally knew what to say and do.
You finally realised that those seemingly pacifying words do nothing but make me hurt more.
You thought of me, you really did.
You put aside your conveniences, you put aside your comfort, you put aside yourself
and you truely truely had me in your heart.



I know that you love me, i do and I love you just as much too.
But i've been getting weary of late, i've been feeling drained.
I want to be weak, because i am.
I want to be vulnerable, because i am.
I want to finally just let it all go, cry without a word yet everything will be alright.
Because you'd be strong with me, for me.
You'd stop putting down the phone to get away from dealing with me,
You'd hold on for me.
Hold on for just that one extra moment.




That was one thing you asked from me, i never forgot.
I never will.
And i've been holding on, clinging to that one last tick of a clock's arm.
That one last second, for you to be finally fine.
I've been chasing too you know?
Chasing after you, time after time, trying so hard to set things right.
Am i really not worth the try?
All you ever do is be silent.
That tears me up inside.



I really do love you.
I'll be waiting,
Till my dreams become reality. "



And they flowed, her tears.
She din't stop them.
Her fingers were clasped around the phone so tightly.
Maybe, just maybe, if she held on tight enough, those words would get to him.




The monotone beep of the phoneline,
He listened to it more than he ever did her true feelings.
Her words had found their way to nothing more than his empty presence.
The one stopped in time, flitting as specks waiting to settle.
The one who heard her was nothing more than the ghost of him,
he was fast asleep.
She slid to the ground, back gliding down the wall.
Uncontrollably, she sobbed.







She was underwater, yet again.

Raw fear

I have loved B for the past year. For me, a year is a long time to like somebody – to have your heart balloon every time he texts you, to secretly smile every time he asks a favour, to laugh at all his bad jokes. A year is a long time to love his scruffy beard, to love the way his forehead crinkles when he’s stressed, to love the way his presence makes you feel safe. In my mind I measured B up to other guys, to see if there was someone out there who was better for me. But none of them ever compared to him. He was perfect. And in that entire year I couldn’t find one flaw, no matter how hard I tried.

But then one morning this week, I woke up – and I didn’t love B anymore. (So I guess you can’t really call it love to begin with, can you?) His perfection had suddenly melted away. His steadfast beliefs I had so admired now seemed to be self-conscious, and his confidence seemed somewhat self-absorbed. In that one morning of clarity, I soon became aware of all his flaws. I no longer believe that he is perfect, nor that he is perfect for me.

I still care for him, but I no longer love him. By no means were we superficial - we shared our hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears. So what scares me is that I don’t know how this sudden change of heart happened. Falling out of love shouldn’t be that easy.

What if one day, in the future, I wake up one morning in bed with my future husband, only to find that I do not love him anymore? - Le love

Have been a little too needy of late, not exactly your stick-like-glue needy but that tad more in need of some assurance. Okay maybe a lot.



I guess i've been trying so hard to chase perfection, a blurry perfection that sees only the end and nothing else. If not for baby's advice, I'd probably have fallen into the pithole of being that idiot who runs right to the end with my head bowed. I would have missed out on every single detail along the way, every single thing that could have made the end so much more worthwhile.



That plus all the bagging of comparisons, endless.
Perfection is as unattainable as it is coveted,
I know that yet i'm still lusting perfection.
Maybe not exactly porcelain glazed perfection, but something closer, something more polished, more pleasing.
Sometimes, I don't understand why i still compare, it's been long yet i still can't put down that memory.



Assurance and a hug, could do with some of both now.

You are,

Worth it.

Finally.

1 month and 12 more days till I get to experience airsickness, a different morning air, a foreign surrounding and a whole new experience. Something i haven't had for 7 years.



(:
Definitely, really looking forward to it.

This is true love.

"....A Son asked his father, "Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?" The father who, despite having a heart condition, says "Yes". They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons. The father always saying "Yes" to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his fater, "Dad, let's join the Ironman together."To which, his father said "Yes"......"




Dick Hoyt is 66 years old.
This is the power of true love.
Some nights i wished you were still around. I miss you and i never knew what you were really like. I cried really hard watching that video because i never knew what father love felt like. When i see families out on outings, i always have this urge to cry. I always wondered how different my life would be if you were still around, how my birthdays might still be perfect. They never were after you left. You din't manage to keep your promise to bring me home for my 3rd birthday, it was just 15 days away. I'm struggling like hell now, struggling to excel in my own way and be that perfect daughter. People tell me to live for myself, but how can i right? I've got the best mum in the world who has slogged so hard for 15 years to bring me up, and i want to give her what she has given me, the best of what she can. I want her to finally enjoy, to do the things she love, to finally live for herself. I'll work hard, i will .
Whatever it takes, in my own way. I'll take care of her for you. It breaks my heart to see how much she misses you, bless us while you're up there. I love you. Wish you were here.

I never wanted to grow older.

The comfort and security she got from the cold wind just repeatedly brushing against her skin, dancing in the sounds she'd chosen, in the sights she'd picked... it was more than anything she'd ever had. More than crying into the arms of a loved one, more than having someone to assure her, more than a hug even. Because right that moment, she had someone there for her, someone she knew would never leave her, someone who would never fail her- Herself.





" One day man will fail me", she warned herself repeatedly, yet she kept forgetting. Yet, she still tried to find happiness in others. She still naively believed that because their happiness meant so much to her, hers would too, to them.




She forgets that people aren't always up for reciprocation, that most of the time she could be running down that one way street with nothing for her but that exhaustion and pain as she collapses from running down that endless road. No one to stop her so she could breathe slow, no one to stop her so she could rest, no one to run with her, no one to take her hand and tell her " stop, that's enough..."





Ironically enough, she still wants to run along that path. Run till she finds that one person who would. She still believes, you know? That one day she would find that person who would.




And that night was beautiful...
the cold wind's carress,
the solitude,
the rarity of the moment
and how everything else was forgotten.
She was completely immersed.




Then she pressed stop, gone was もう一度, she did her eyeliner, she buckled those leathery straps.
And she told herself
"back to reality".

Painting a heart together with paint leftover from western painting ( which got a B- O.O ), laughter, blowing raspberries, alala-ing each other, moodiness, dinner, routinely quiet around mother, monster-ish when intimidating presence is gone, cabs and sweet sweet dreams of baby.





This sounds way far-fetched, fluff-filled and in-the-clouds but
I kinda wish that i could do chosen things in my dreams/ choose what i want to dream of.
I remember watching the jetson family and they could choose their dreams, i loved that idea so much
Sounds stupid/bimbotic/fluffy? Yea i know.





But i dream every single night without fail so dreams are important to me.
It would be nice wouldnt it?
While your body is resting you could be making snow angels in alaska, eating crabs in hokkaido, dota-ing till you get crossed eyed and maybe even setting things right with your other half over some issue that made both go to bed fuming.
So much better than the random nonsense i usually get.





RANDOM FACT.
Dreaming every night occurs in people with overtly active minds
( aka. people who have alot on their minds/worry too much/.... )

human nature

Human beings are selfish creatures whom run your worth
and leave you there.

3 happy pills.

So treasure.

The one thing worse than not getting what you want, is losing what you have.

現実への夢
戦い!

crossing fingers

More happy halloween pictures that i found,
less chilling, less sinister and more beautiful.









crossing fingers and my heart that all will go well .

Happy Halloween

I'm kinda dreading the evening to come, I'll be all alone at haji deciding whether or not i should continue. Gah, in a major dilemna. It's come to a point whereby i think i should give it up yet i can't bear to and there's all those what if's swarming in my head. What if i leave and the shop gets some breakthrough, what if i leave and i miss out on awesome publicity and all those what if's whereby i leave and miss out on something good. If i give it up i'll have all that extra stuff to work on my blogshop, like get a better camera because everytime i look at my photos i get bloody depressed that they suck so much, i can pay back cummz and all...... But money can be earned back whereas, opportunities lost are..... well, lost. And i love haji lane, like going there just to walk, sitting in the shop chatting with lily makes me happy, imagining myself having a shop next time makes me fly... But yet..considering how crappy my site looks like, even if people looked at it i doubt they'll even be interested. i hate my photos, i hate my photos , i really hate my photos. And i even went " then i'll give up the whole thing" when clarence told me it's not very possible for me to just keep the top rack, and he asked me to STAY . So i got further concussed and cant figure it out. The no part of me is entirely head, whereas the yes part of me is both heart and head. So weighing things out like this.... It's a yes right? Cheebong, i just went one entire circle. And you know what? i was cycling about this circle countless of times since last night till now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




sigh, I'll see how it goes later ): Afterall this is mine, there's no point asking the opinions of others. INDECISIVE.





And greeeeat, i just checked tpde's blog, badd's finale from 12-2 ): ): ):
breathe breathe.... i was still teaching monkeys during that time so there was no way i could have been there. To think i was so happy when recital was cancelled yesterday because i dint have to miss any new choreo to watch Third Space. And now i have to catch up on choreo like AH D:




kay time to go pack my room, FINALLY GET IT DONE PROPERLY.
i laughed at my holiday To-Do list.
I din't get a single thing done.

fearful

How you struck that chord, made me feel so much better.

Find more videos like this on 533kingda



Because i'm a sucker for love stories.

analogy

I am a troublesome creature, not only do i have frequent sudden emotional meltdowns, i have the tendency to shoot off halfway what's bothering me as well. And probably the worst part would be that mid sentence/topic i will shut up, realising that i'm not making sense, that everything's coming out wrong and that the person listening is baffled.



Saying something like " I'm upset because of blah blah blah that made me feel like blah blah blah that's why i'm like that now" is impossible for me. I'll fill all the blah blahs with wrong words for some unknown stupidity that i possess and end up being even more upset because that person wont get it. It happened yesterday so i thought about it and i realised..



Analogy. What i needed was an analogy. I cant piece together facts in it's blatant form to complete an apt expression of what's bothering me, but what i can do is make an analogy. To compare something simple to something abstract yet tangible to me in my mind's eye.




This is for you bubble boy, my first analogy to you.
Remember just yesterday when i told you about how i tend to end up touching everything at it's surface when i've got too many things on my mind?




Think of it as me skating on thin ice.
An indebted me , skating over gold filled waters.
apt, very apt .





That's one thing off my head.
Just a random thought, but i've been seeing a lot of guys in headbands.
Not used to it, because as far as i've seen, baby was the first guy whom i met wearing that kind of headband. And now, i've seen a lot of guys wearing them, nothing personal of the sort. Just, not very used to it.
*shrugs*

make my money worth (:

le zamboooot " Baby how much do you love me? "
me " more than 5 dollars! :D :D "



weeks later
la zambooooot " Baby how much do you love me ? "
me " more than 11 dollars! :D>



still more weeks later......
le zambooooot " Baby how much do you love me? "
me " more than 100 dollars! <3<3>




And the amount increases everytime he asks me,
but deep down the above picture is what truely describes what goes on in my puny brain and heart.
But still.........
So baby, Today i love you more than $15 000. Plus your bubble sms this morning ,
it stands at $21 000 now. teehee!







Today was tedious, i went from school to lavender, lavender to city hall, city hall to bugis, and bugis to raffles place and now i'm finally back home. And off to school again ._.
But work is work.
I rewarded myself a little, bought some necessities and i am quite broke again
I'm not giving up no matter how tiring this is though, I really want to support myself.



Okay i'm off to see my reggae babies shake their booties then it'll be my dearest bubble boy and back to work.
Just Like Kohl and Rouge <3

sing

Not the real Beatles, Viva la Beatles !
A few nights back, baby and i were singing/screaming and laughing and banging into each other as we sang this song running along the walkway to my house.
And " wo yao ni de ai" too.
Classic. (:









I actually teared watching this!
It's that shiver down your spine in the good way watching this whole experience.
anddd...
I MISS YOU AH MU.
yea, i miss singing with you in class when the lesson gets to boring.
And singing happily, just been extremely reserved and shy, and fearful to be honest.
Will break out of this shell (:

find , maybe found.

I've been trying so hard to find a place where i don't feel like an umbrella among toadstools, and i think i've found it. To be exact, i din't find A place. I found many small ones (: I'll learn to find contentment in this, to stop hunting to gel in. Because if it doesn't fit, it's probably because i've been trying to stuff a circle into a triangle. But that doesn't mean i have to start living in my spiked bubble , just a bubble.




Yupp, just a bubble, a pretty 3-dimensional one at that.







" Writing's your comfort. Seek it (: "- estee.



Sooo, i know you'll probably never read this, but thank you estee. For the impartial-ness you carry with you when i tell you about my problems, thank you for peppering them with small little bits of laughter :D i appreciate the effort, the comfort, the encouragement- everything, i appreciate having you walk into my life. OH, and also your eye for detail, for you to say the above, you were really listening (:






I never really realised it, but i really do find comfort in writing. Comfort in having alphabets fly across the screen as my thoughts roll into words and of having the privilege of editing them till they portray what i feel to a fitting T. A world better than my endless banter and blabbering that always comes out wrong and jumbled.



And I take pride in it, always did. I always wanted my essays to be well written, to flow nicely and now when i blog it's the same thing. Because i have no other outlet for my writing and i don't ever want to lose it. I can spend a long time blogging just to get the post up well, because i want to look back on each post and be able to feel everything that i did on reminiscene. Life is fair, i always feel crippled by how i clam up and stumble on all my words, but at least i can write (:

To my Beng:

Thank you for everything as well (:
I admit i feel small beside you sometimes, inferior and lousy, but watch out, i'm learning to grow bigger with confidence with your help <3
Thank you for trying so hard to build it up for me, it really means alot to me.
* alalas to you*

" I have the tendency to cut ties, cut them like strings with razor sharp blades,
Then hold those cut ends so tightly so close together.
Because deep down, I know i can never truely let go.
I can never truely say goodbye to each and everyone of those at the end of the other string. "
I'm still trying to please every single soul in this world.
But i forget about myself.
And now i'm doing what i do best, going to extremes.
I'm shutting everyone else out, i'm only taking in all the superficial touches.

crashing waves.

" The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part. "

"I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands"
- artist's comments.
I guess i can never truely open up. The journey from school on the way to haji lane, was bad. And it was sad, because the one person i could turn to, i no longer knew how to at least for that time, up till now. I found myself dumbfounded, clueless of what to say, clueless of what to do to make everything right again. And i closed up.
I want to place it in my own hands, to have a happiness within myself that would not be fleeting, that wouldn't run the risk of being treated flippantly, that i could keep close and know that even if everything becomes run through the mill, i could come back to this.
This one part of me that i have for myself.
And i ran through all the different faces in my head, the different names, the different people. I couldn't bring myself to call or sms anyone of them , to share my heart with. Instead, i sent out happy sms-es asking long ago friends to take care and that i thought of them. Then i switched it off
I guess it's time i stopped trying so hard to find something i could seek solace in, that i could place that fragile happiness in.
Because when that thing goes, even for a moment, tugged along with it would be my happiness.
And because i've never had a special birthday, one that people genuinely cared about...
I want to make everyone else's special.
So that they can feel the happiness i never felt.

once in your life

<3

" Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. "

- Bob Marley

discovery

Self-love adventure , Part 1 .
Went on a little discovery trip yesterday with this lil adventure and found my love for something i always wanted to do but never did.




A very random thought,
But i've had my sharktooth on me for close to a year now, and if i could, i wouldnt want to take it off.
For some reason, it comforts me.